Our reasoning? Divided we stand in this great land of ours blah, blah, blah, and so divided we shall sit on all matters germane to this court. 5 to 4. Hell, our next ruling might be that it's unconstitutional for you to turn your backporch light on. And what you gonna do about it? Come on, folks, choice is an illusion. Read the manual. The two-party system is strictly for export. Third world countries understandably need this kind of thing. But we're a plutocracy, what would we need with two parties? What do you think "centrist" means? Code words, stupid.

It's like when Dubya says he's against big government—what do you think he means by that? Yup. Means he's for big business. As in stay out of my bidness, son. And when he says he's for local schools to make their own choices, what's he saying there? Right, no more federal money for schools. You're catching on fast. What does he mean by "I trust the people," huh? Heck, just ask Florida. Cow pies, is what that is, gen-u-wine, Texas cow pie. That's just like us saying we're for states' rights—only there we're using the time-worn legalistic periphrasis known as ellipsis omiticus. That's when you leave out the last phrase of a sentence, son. Get it?

Now don't start getting on your high horse, okay, 'cause in America you get all kinds of stuff, don't you? Cars, cable TV, the iMac, microwave popcorn—and you want to decide who runs the country as well? Dream on. Leave it to the people who know what's best for you. And here I'd like to quote Charles I who used to say, "Democracy was a folly of the Greeks." You've heard of the divine right of pimps? That's us!

You can bitch all you want, scum—we have decreed! And we is supreme, baby, you can't rise higher than the cream, and that is us. And in anything we do we are merely upholding the will of the Founding Fathers. Like our esteemed selves, they believed the common mass of people to be unable to make a decision (being uneducated, unruly, and wigless). Which is why in their arrogant wisdom they framed the right to vote in such a mysterious fashion. The electoral college—what a sweet scam! 99.9% of the people—or should I say 9/1000 of 1%—have not the foggiest idea what it is, even after having it explained to them by Brit Hume, Brian Williams, Chris Matthews, Greta van Sustren, and Roger Daltrey.

That's the beauty of the thing—it contains within it the proof of its own validity. In other words, if you don't understand it, it only goes to show you're too ignorant to have the selection of the President left in your ignoramusish hands. It's also a self-fulfilling prophesy, somewhat like our recent decision. The Founding Fathers realized long ago what would happen if you let democracy become rampant—and, horror of horrors, if the vote were extended to women and colored folk and all the sundry loiterers and scribblers and those who do assemble in the market place most vilely.

The Supremes can do what we damn please. Get used to it! We're just trying to be honest. Do you want us to pretend, after climbing over our colleagues in golf shoes to get into this Supreme Court drag, that we're really non-partisan up here? How do you think you get to be a Supreme Court justice? Do you think the President sends out scouts to scour the land for the best possible candidate—that one incorruptible judge in Canton, Ohio who dispenses even-handed justice with wisdom and equanimity? What use would such a person be to the President who shoved him upstairs? I mean, c'mon. We belong to the Pettifoggers Local 911, and you have to get up earlier than you do in the morning, babe, to argue with us.

Let us sum up: You the people, aka the mob—groundlings incapable of nothing but dumb shows and noise—being incompetent to decide anything at all should leave this president stuff up to your controllers. 'Nuff said. Furthermore, since you are clearly incapable of choosing between hair-conditioners and peanut butter, not to mention selecting a long-distance carrier, we will in future be issuing rulings that will decide such tiny matters for you free of charge. An extra service from your Supreme Court Plus.